So the shows this past weekend were the same as almost every other weekend... one really great show, and two that I could have done without. Friday night I was in Skippack, PA at one of Chuckle's Comedy Clubs. I was kind of worried because at about 15 minutes before show time, there were like 7 or 8 people there. So I went down to the bar for about 10 minutes, and when I walked in, there were about 30-40. Much better! Not 20,000, but better. Besides, it is a small room, so it doesn't take too many to make it a good audience size. The show ran kind of long that night with Regina Smith Kyle Hoffman, Jason Flowers, Bruce Larkin, Marlon Martinez, Ed O'Hanlon all performing as well. I did get a great compliment with one guy telling me that he couldn't breathe during one of my bits from laughing so hard and was hoping I would stop so that he could breathe. I guess the ultimate compliment a comic could get is if someone passed out during a show from not breathing due to laughing to hard. That is my new goal. I want to see someone fall out of their chair and onto the floor passed out from not breathing. I have seen drunks pass out during shows which is always a crowd favorite. Especially when they go from standing to flat on their face. Then their friends come over, "Dude, you ok?" With the drunk responding, "Of courth I am ok fucker! Leave meeee alone. Get awayyy from mmee. I'm fiine. I love you man." Ahh yes, the good old days. Damn, I forgot to tell a good drunk story that happened a few weeks ago. Ok, I'll tell you all now you lucky bitches.

Ok, so a few weeks ago I was performing in Carlisle, PA at a pizza and subs shop. You can read more about it in my archives from May of 2005. Anyway, I was just about to go up onstage and I was watching the crowd to see who was there, what kind of people were there, anyone that might cause problems, etc. I see this one woman who is clearly wasted. She is about 5 feet tall and about 140 lbs. She was sitting at the bar with a full glass of beer in front of her and she is swaying in her barstool trying not to fall off of it. I see her go to the bathroom, and she has a hard time getting there even though it is only 10 feet away. I do my set and I don't hear anything out of her. During the next guy's set, she sits down at one of the tables near the stage with who I am assuming is her husband. She has another full glass of beer that she spills all over the place while trying to sit down. She sits down and is facing away from the stage. She is staring blankly at the wall opposite of where the stage is. She has no idea what is going on. Throughout the show, she just yells out obscenities for no reason and at random times. "Go to Hellllllll" she screamed out at one point catching many off guard because it was a quiet moment in the show. Everyone laughs at her but she has no reaction. "Bullllshit" she yelled out at another time. She is obviously a mean drunk. At the end of the show, she needs to use the bathroom again and this time she has a really hard time getting there. She stumbled over imaginary things in front of her was hanging on for dear life to each bar seat that she passed. She gets inside and is in there for a few minutes. A couple little girls come strolling out from the back room, probably the owners children, and they need to use the bathroom. So they go over and try to open the door but the drunk woman had locked it. They wait there for about 10 seconds when she opened the door, stuck her head out, and yelled at them. "You little bitches, I am trying to use the bathroom!" Now, these girls were like 10 or 11 years old. One of the girls start crying and ran back into the back room. The other girls followed her. A few minutes later, the drunk woman came strolling out like nothing had happened. She sat down at the table, faced away from the stage and every once in a while yelled out a random obscenity. "GO TO HELL YOU BASTARD!" Her husband just sat there ignoring her. She eventually fell out of her chair and was carried outside by her husband. Oh how I live or those moments. A few weeks earlier I saw a few drunks being carried out of the club in a choke hold by a gigantic bouncer. I'll save that story for another time.

Ok, back to this weekends shows. Saturday was supposed to be a two show night. The first was again in Skippack, PA and it turned out to be a small show. About 12 people small. But they were a decent audience so it wasn't horrible. The next show was in Audubon, PA for Chuckles again, but only 2 people showed up for that, so it was cancelled. The comics and I instead went to the bar and saw a couple that had been at the first show that evening. They came over and over the course of about 45 minutes talking to them, I found out that they had met over a phone sex line. The conversation became even more interesting when we found out that she like anal. I discovered something very interesting this weekend. It doesn't matter what a girl looks like, if she mentions that she likes anal sex, guys will want to talk to her. Now this girl was pretty good looking, but I noticed how all of guys became more interested in what she had to say after we found out. Plus, she was completely open about it (no pun intended) and gave us all tips to make it better for the woman. Believe me, if I could get anal sex, I wouldn't be in a bar in Audubon, PA getting tips from you on a Saturday night. Plus, I glanced at the TV while Saturday Night Live was on and saw a guy that I know from the Second City in Vegas. He was a writer for SNL and is now a featured player. Congrats to Jason Sudeikis. He will be an awesome performer on SNL for many a year to come. Later Baters.

 

Posted @ 12:40 pm / Permanent Link

I am not booking any shows for the weekend of June 3rd -5th. Why you ask? Ok fine... why I pretend you ask? Well let me tell you. That weekend I get to get back to my ultimate geek roots by attending the Wizard World Philadelphia 2005 Comic Book Convention. Now I am not going to get dressed up like a Wookie or like any of these assholes, but I am going to get geeked out. The reasons for me to go to this convention keep getting growing and growing. First, I have wanted to go to a comic book convention since my buddies back in Vegas, Barry and Paul, told me about the big one in San Diego...Comic-Con. They sound like a lot of fun, and they always have some really cool people to meet. First, this year, the convention here in Philly will have Lou Ferrigno, King Kong Bundy, Richard Hatch (from the original Battlestar Galactica, not Survivor, dumb asses) and from the new Battlestar Galactica, the gorgeous Tricia Helfer. There will be a shit load of other famous faces from the comic book world and smut world (these geeks are the perfect audience for it). But the main reason for my going is to meet my childhood hero. Well, Christopher Reeves was my childhood hero, but this guy came in a close second. The one the only...Sam J. Jones. What do you mean who? Flash Friggin' Gordon, that's who. I must have watched Flash Gordon about 1000 times as a kid, and as an adult. I love it so. Sweet sweet memories of Flash, Dale Arden, Hans Zarkov, Ming the Merciless... yes I am shedding a tear. I can't wait to meet him. It will probably be a quick "Hi, I'm Langdon. I am a huge fan." Then a "C'mon on, move it along" from the security guard, but it will be worth it. Sometimes, you just have to let your inner geek come out and sing at the top of your lungs... FLASH! AAAAHHHH AAAAHHHHH! Flippin' Sweet!

 

Posted @ 11:39 pm / Permanent Link

This weekend's shows were supposed to be a couple of easy one's. Friday, I was supposed to perform at Chuckles Comedy Club in Skippack, PA. At 3:30 pm on Friday, I got a call from a booker whose shows I like doing because they pay more than most other's pay and most of the time I get to perform in front of crowds that have never seen me before. I have performed at Chuckles Clubs a lot, so there is some repeat business. Anyway, I get a message from the booker asking if I am available to do a show that night. So I call up Chuckles and see how many performers they have on the show. They can get by without me, so I cancel with Chuckles to do this other gig. I call the booker and tell him that I am available to do the show. I ask him where the gig is, and it is in a town 2 hours away called Carlisle, PA. Plus, I have heard some negative things about this place. There is no way I am going to do this gig. I'll just tell him that it is too far away and that I am doing something later on that I can't miss. Then I will call back Chuckles, reschedule to be there that night, and everything will be fine. That is all I have to do. Piece of cake.

So I am driving to Carlisle, PA to do the gig. By the way, I thought of all of that excuse to cancel on the way to Carlisle. Hey, better late than never. Anyway, 2 hours later, I get there. It is a small pizza shop called Red Devil Pizza and Subs. They have a small corner and a sound system, so why not offer comedy every week? Well, I showed up there and met the headliner for the evening which was R. Bruce. A very funny guy that plays song parodies with his guitar. The audience loved him. The ride back took too long. Two hours in a car by yourself at night sucks. Especially in a state where radio sucks. I need satellite radio. Which one is better? Anyone have any thoughts? Anyone even reading this?

Saturday night was a great show. I was at Chuckles club in West Chester, PA. They are running a contest over several weeks to find the Delaware Valley's funniest educator. When I first heard of this contest, I didn't think that it would fly. Holy shit was I wrong. There were three teachers competing last night, each one doing about 5-6 minutes of stand up. One of the teachers brought 30 people alone. This tiny room had standing room only. Plus, since they were mostly teachers, they were an educated crowd, quite the opposite of the previous night's gig. So I was the MC for the evening. I got up and did about 2 minutes of warm up, bull shit stuff then I brought the first teacher up. He was surprisingly good. Though it was his first time on stage, he looked like he had been doing it for a few months. Still a bit nervous, but good stage presence and funny material. The next teacher looked like Larry Davids of Curb Your Enthusiasm. His material was pretty good. Very wordy though. Too much setup for not enough punch line. The third guy got up and did a character name Mr. Kickass. Mr. Kickass was the teacher of a special ed class. It was amusing to watch a guy try to do this character. It wasn't really stand up, more like a humorous monologue that someone would perform at the graduation of an acting class. Well, the first guy, Jason Armstrong, won for the evening and gets to move on to the next round. The audience for the rest of us comics was awesome. The other comics there, Ed O'Hanlan, David James, and Peter Jung, did an awesome job and no doubtedly loved the audience as well. This was the kind of audience that I really needed after the shows that I have had over the past few weeks. The kind of audience that makes me say, "Oh yeah, that's why I am in this business." The kind of audience that makes me say, "Oh yeah, that's why I left my old life of hookers and blow." The kind of audience that makes me say, "Oh yeah, that's why I escaped from the clutches of the Chinese mafia after they threw me into slavery inside their vast network of the sex slave industry. Sure, at first it was fun and lots of partying, but then one day I realized that it wasn't for me. So after I gnawed my own arms off in an attempt to unchain myself, I used my arms as weapons to defeat the prison guards and run out of that camp only to realize that I wasn't in China but instead in Duluth, MN where the sex slave industry is thriving." Damn it! Again with the too much info! I need to learn how to delete.

 

Posted @ 6:03 pm / Permanent Link

Many people don't know what the comedy dick of death is. Probably because I have only heard one person ever use the expression before. But I sure found out what it was this weekend. Let me start at the beginning.

On Monday, I was reminded that I had signed up for Rascals new talent night. I went to the one two weeks prior, but had recently found the video camera, so I thought that it would be a great place to shoot my act. I set it up, and waited my turn. A few people that went before me did rather well. Most of their material was on the dirty/vulgar side, but whatever works. I get up on stage and do ok. Not my best show, but certainly not my worst. Ok, so I got a decent show on tape. And it wasn't even my full act, but a hurried 5 minute segment of it. Well, it's something to look at and see what I look like on stage.

Friday, I am booked in what I thought was a church in Westville, NJ. Hey, you gotta take what you can get. I get there and find out that it isn't a church, but rather the Most Holy Redeemer Grammar School. Shit, I hope there aren't any kids there. I find out that it will be an adult audience. I also find out that the booker will be there. Great. Not only do I have to clean up my act a bit since it is the Most Holy Redeemer, but the booker will be there as well. The booker asked the priest that was there if it is alright to use the word "shit". The priest said "Shit, I use the word shit all the time." Sweet. So my set goes all right, again. Nothing to write home about. Ryan Maloney was the middle act and Peter Jung was the headliner. Both of them kicked ass. Well, I thought they did, but a woman came up to me and told me about how offended she was because Peter talked about adding cheese to a communion wafer. She explained over a 25 minute conversation about how sacred that is. Apparently, alcohol is sacred to her as well because she was blitzed.

Saturday brought a new club I hadn't played before. In fact, it was in a state that I hadn't ever been to. My buddy Glen Jensen was performing at Tracy's Comedy Club in Baltimore, MD and asked if he could bring me along to do a 7 minute set. The owner of the club said ok, so we car pooled down there. Glen told me on the way down that Larry, the owner of the club, "will be the host of the show and open with 10 minutes of local reference jokes and then bring you up. Now, it is really hard to follow that. Especially with straight material. The audience isn't used to hearing material yet, so it will take them about 4 minutes before they will start to respond to your material." Bullshit. I am going to get up on stage and knock a home run. Well, it went EXACTLY as he said. The first 4 minutes on that stage was probably the worst 4 minutes of my stand up career. For those first four minutes I "Ate the Comedy Dick of Death". I friggin' sucked. After about 4 minutes they started laughing and I finished up mediocre. Holy crap did I learn a lesson from this. My lesson...DON'T EAT THE COMEDY DICK OF DEATH. It leaves a really shitty after taste until you can wash it out with a good set. Great! A whole week of dick of death on my breath... and I promised myself that I would give that shit up.

 

Posted @ 4:26 pm / Permanent Link