So the shows this past weekend were the same as almost every other weekend... one really great show, and two that I could have done without. Friday night I was in Skippack, PA at one of Chuckle's Comedy Clubs. I was kind of worried because at about 15 minutes before show time, there were like 7 or 8 people there. So I went down to the bar for about 10 minutes, and when I walked in, there were about 30-40. Much better! Not 20,000, but better. Besides, it is a small room, so it doesn't take too many to make it a good audience size. The show ran kind of long that night with Regina Smith Kyle Hoffman, Jason Flowers, Bruce Larkin, Marlon Martinez, Ed O'Hanlon all performing as well. I did get a great compliment with one guy telling me that he couldn't breathe during one of my bits from laughing so hard and was hoping I would stop so that he could breathe. I guess the ultimate compliment a comic could get is if someone passed out during a show from not breathing due to laughing to hard. That is my new goal. I want to see someone fall out of their chair and onto the floor passed out from not breathing. I have seen drunks pass out during shows which is always a crowd favorite. Especially when they go from standing to flat on their face. Then their friends come over, "Dude, you ok?" With the drunk responding, "Of courth I am ok fucker! Leave meeee alone. Get awayyy from mmee. I'm fiine. I love you man." Ahh yes, the good old days. Damn, I forgot to tell a good drunk story that happened a few weeks ago. Ok, I'll tell you all now you lucky bitches.

Ok, so a few weeks ago I was performing in Carlisle, PA at a pizza and subs shop. You can read more about it in my archives from May of 2005. Anyway, I was just about to go up onstage and I was watching the crowd to see who was there, what kind of people were there, anyone that might cause problems, etc. I see this one woman who is clearly wasted. She is about 5 feet tall and about 140 lbs. She was sitting at the bar with a full glass of beer in front of her and she is swaying in her barstool trying not to fall off of it. I see her go to the bathroom, and she has a hard time getting there even though it is only 10 feet away. I do my set and I don't hear anything out of her. During the next guy's set, she sits down at one of the tables near the stage with who I am assuming is her husband. She has another full glass of beer that she spills all over the place while trying to sit down. She sits down and is facing away from the stage. She is staring blankly at the wall opposite of where the stage is. She has no idea what is going on. Throughout the show, she just yells out obscenities for no reason and at random times. "Go to Hellllllll" she screamed out at one point catching many off guard because it was a quiet moment in the show. Everyone laughs at her but she has no reaction. "Bullllshit" she yelled out at another time. She is obviously a mean drunk. At the end of the show, she needs to use the bathroom again and this time she has a really hard time getting there. She stumbled over imaginary things in front of her was hanging on for dear life to each bar seat that she passed. She gets inside and is in there for a few minutes. A couple little girls come strolling out from the back room, probably the owners children, and they need to use the bathroom. So they go over and try to open the door but the drunk woman had locked it. They wait there for about 10 seconds when she opened the door, stuck her head out, and yelled at them. "You little bitches, I am trying to use the bathroom!" Now, these girls were like 10 or 11 years old. One of the girls start crying and ran back into the back room. The other girls followed her. A few minutes later, the drunk woman came strolling out like nothing had happened. She sat down at the table, faced away from the stage and every once in a while yelled out a random obscenity. "GO TO HELL YOU BASTARD!" Her husband just sat there ignoring her. She eventually fell out of her chair and was carried outside by her husband. Oh how I live or those moments. A few weeks earlier I saw a few drunks being carried out of the club in a choke hold by a gigantic bouncer. I'll save that story for another time.

Ok, back to this weekends shows. Saturday was supposed to be a two show night. The first was again in Skippack, PA and it turned out to be a small show. About 12 people small. But they were a decent audience so it wasn't horrible. The next show was in Audubon, PA for Chuckles again, but only 2 people showed up for that, so it was cancelled. The comics and I instead went to the bar and saw a couple that had been at the first show that evening. They came over and over the course of about 45 minutes talking to them, I found out that they had met over a phone sex line. The conversation became even more interesting when we found out that she like anal. I discovered something very interesting this weekend. It doesn't matter what a girl looks like, if she mentions that she likes anal sex, guys will want to talk to her. Now this girl was pretty good looking, but I noticed how all of guys became more interested in what she had to say after we found out. Plus, she was completely open about it (no pun intended) and gave us all tips to make it better for the woman. Believe me, if I could get anal sex, I wouldn't be in a bar in Audubon, PA getting tips from you on a Saturday night. Plus, I glanced at the TV while Saturday Night Live was on and saw a guy that I know from the Second City in Vegas. He was a writer for SNL and is now a featured player. Congrats to Jason Sudeikis. He will be an awesome performer on SNL for many a year to come. Later Baters.

 

Posted @ 12:40 pm