April 4, 2005 - 3:27 am
April showers, don’t always bring May flowers. They bring April floods. It has been raining a lot here lately, which sucks to drive in. Especially when driving over a few hours to different gigs in a state that I am not used to driving in. New Jersey roads try to screw up folks not used to driving in the Garden State. The roads don’t stay consistent at all. Sometimes, you have to turn right, in order to make a left turn. But the very next intersection, you can turn left, but not right. new Jersey has these things called jug-handles where in order to make a left turn in an intersection, you need to make a right handed turn onto a street that loops around and allows you to go straight, which is now the direction you wanted to go in the first place. Hmm, that didn’t make any sense. Anyway, it sucks. And trying to drive in blinding rain while lost and not knowing where and when I can turn just adds to the madness.
Luckily, the gig I did this weekend was worth it. It was in Hamonton, NJ at a Fire Company. The Hamonton Fire Company #2 to be exact. It was a fund raiser to help raise money for the volunteer fire company. The room was full with about 200 or so people, and they showed up ready to laugh. Unfortunately, the middle act never showed up. This seems to happen to me about once a month. But the headliner, Buddy Flip, did a bit over an hour and I did about 22 minutes so the time that the middle act was supposed to do was pretty much covered. My favorite part of the evening was a conversation I had with a midget. He works there at the fire company (I assume that he answers the phones or does the bookkeeping) and he had a request. He asked me to pick on this one guy who drunk off of his ass. “He is a plumber, and you could say, how are you supposed to fix pipes when you are that wasted, or something like that.” I love it when audience members try to give me punch lines that I can use in my show. It’s like me walking up to Kobe Bryant and saying “Next time, you should rape them in the ass so that they shit out all of the evidence.” Thanks for the advice, but I know what I am doing. But the best part is, the midget is telling me who to pick on. I have waited over a year to get a midget in one of my shows, and he wants me to pick on someone else? Damn it, I find out before I go on, that he is kind of running the whole event, so I better be nice and pick on the drunk guy instead of the midget. But the audience was great and very responsive. I wish they all could be like that…especially with midgets.
I forgot to post about last weeks shows, so I will make it quick. Both shows were in Delaware…woo hoo? The first was at a place called the Volare Lounge, a hip martini bar, and was put on by a very funny guy named Geno Bisconte. The audience wasn’t too responsive because they couldn’t really decide if they wanted to talk with their friends or watch the show. I met a very funny guy named Mike Rainey who had some awesome bits. The audience seemed much more appreciative after the show that actually during the show. But it was still a fun gig.
The next night was at Stoneys British Pub in Wilmington, DE. The crowd was a bit rowdy at times, but they were a good crowd. Especially for a bar, where audiences can easily get out of control. I was able to bullshit with other comics and try out my Terri Schiavo joke, which went over surprisingly well. What a bunch of sicko’s! I love ‘em all.
Posted in From the road |
March 23, 2005 - 2:24 am
So go ahead and guess who performed at Rascals comedy club this weekend. Go ahead, guess. More about that later. But first…
Ok, I haven’t posted here for a few weeks so let me get you caught up. Two weekends ago, I had the distinct honor of performing for about 200 people. Ok, so it was in Vineland, NJ…but it was still for 200 people. Apparently, girls softball is huge in that area and every year they have this big fund raiser to raise money for the girls to travel to Virginia and compete in a big softball tournament. For $30 a person, they got unlimited beer, a buffet style dinner and an hour and a half long comedy show. All proceeds go to the Wildcats girls softball team. I performed with Jay Black and Mike Siscoe, both of whom friggin’ rocked the joint! It was blast to watch both of these guys, especially Mike Siscoe’s finale when he let audience’s members yell out any country, and he demonstrated what the native people of that country looked like during an orgasm. It was hilarious.
A few weeks ago, my friend Glen Jensen got me a spot at Rascals in Cherry Hill, NJ. I told some people at work about it and some wanted to come. So I was able to talk a total of 6 people into coming out and seeing me. The night that I was to go up was Thursday, March 17th…yes, St. Patrick’s Day. So I write a new bit about St. Patrick’s Day the day of while in the shower. I ask a few people what they think of the new bit, and they like it. Cool. I will do it that night. Well, that night, I am nervous about this new bit. I am under a time restraint, and still don’t know if I should do it. It is an untested bit. I am back in the green room making myself nervous thinking about this new bit. This is like an audition at Rascals, so I don’t want to screw it up, but I think that it is a funny bit, and it would be perfect since it is in fact St. Patrick’s Day. About 10 minutes before show time I peek out to see how big the crowd is. Is it 100 people? 200 People? How many people will see my big debut? I stick my head out of the door, and I see my buddy Joe and his three friends that he brought. And that is all that I see. The rest of the room is empty. AAACK! Five minutes go by, and two more people I know show up. One more couple shows up before the manager cancels the show. Great, there goes my shot. “How would you like to come back on Saturday for both shows” I hear from the manager. SWEEET!! So I go back on Saturday where the crowds were great. I gave it my all, my St. Patrick’s Day bit worked great, even on Saturday, and the manager of the Cherry Hill Rascals recommended me to some other Rascals clubs. Sometimes, I love the way things work out
This weekend, I am performing in two different places in Delaware. Friday night will be with Geno Bisconte and some kick-ass comics he is bringing down with him from NYC. There is no better way for my ego to come down of this high like realizing how much better everyone else is. Sometimes, I hate the way things work out.
Posted in From the road |
March 9, 2005 - 2:32 am
Damn it! My web hosting company suspended my service last night after giving me a bill 5 days before. I had 5 days to pay it. But, it was for the past year because they forgot to bill me for 12 months. 12 months! That is their business. How can you give something to someone for 12 months and forget to charge them? That’s like a whore going down on 12 different guys and forgetting to collect the crack rock while wiping him off of her mouth. Sure, even I have forgotten after 2 or 3 “clients” but certainly not 12. Umm, disregard that last comment.
So this past Saturday I performed at a place called the Bent Elbo. A comic named Dan Glammer co-produced the show. I had a fun time their and the room was close to full. This was actually the first show that Dan and his partner have put on there, with many more in the future. It sure makes a guy feel good when you’re asked to perform in the premier show for a club. The other comics in the show were Dan Glammer as the MC, Jim Burns, Martha Gay, and Geno Bisconte was the headliner. I love to watch Geno. He comes right out and insults a guy in the front row, but does it in such a way as to not get his ass kicked. Every time I see him I am amazed at how well he takes control of the audience and makes them love him while throwing slapping them in the face. I love every minute of his act.
So I am slowly adding new things to this site. Soon, you will be able to read all of my past ramblings here, instead of just the past 5 entries. I am trying to make everything automatic so that everything gets updated properly when it is supposed to. I love PCP…sorry, PHP.
Posted in From the road, News |
March 5, 2005 - 4:07 am
This cracked me up. Everyone is raving about Jamie Foxx right now. “He is such a great actor”, “He is the best actor of the year”, blah blah blah. Mr Foxx has one of the crapiest movies ever thought up coming out this summer called Stealth. When you see the trailer, tell me they didn’t just combine Short Circuit and Top Gun and try to pass it off as a summer blockbuster. We will see just how good of an actor Jamie Foxx is when he is promoting this movie and he is trying to convince America that this movie is worth spending two hours and $10 a person. He would have been better off just signing on to do “Ray 2: I Still Can’t See Shit”. Also, listen for the AOL guy to make his feature debut in the trailer saying “Good Bye”. You’ll get the reference when you see the trailer.
Posted in News |
March 2, 2005 - 4:00 am
I got tired of the layout of my website so I changed it just enough to feel like it was different. Kind of like moving your dresser to the left by a foot and feeling you have a whole new room. Well, maybe not. Anyway, I took down the front page where you fine folks could choose between a Flash version or HTML version of my site. Now, I just give you the HTML version and let you decide if you want the Flash version by clicking the link at the bottom of each page. I might just do away with the flash version all together. I haven’t decided yet. I’m sure you all are on pins and needles, quivering with anticipation, awaiting my decision. Well, I have come to a decision…and my decision is… to think about it a bit longer.
So this past weekend’s shows went fairly well. I was booked in the fine towns of Skippack and Audubon, Pennsylvania! Actually, it was with Chuckles, the clubs that I started out performing in. Friday’s show was on track to being a crappy show. At show time, there were about 12 people in the room, and they were all pretty quiet. Suddenly, a group of 8 or 9 lively people came walking in. Thank the comedy Gods for them, because they came ready to laugh and helped the rest of the audience get in the laughing mood as well.
Saturday’s first show was packed. Sold out. Standing room only. Sweeeet. That was a great show, until one of the comics got booed and yelled at by an audience member. BOOOO!! YOU SUCK!!! GET OFF STAGE!!! I felt bad for the comic because no matter what you say back, you still got booed at. The comic wrapped up and got off stage. The audience was a bit unruly at first, but came back around and really enjoyed the other acts, including the headliner Glen Jensen.
The second show, which takes place about 20 minutes away in a different club, was not packed by any means. The room holds about 80 people, and there were about 14 scattered mostly along the back wall. Towards the end of the show, they came around, but it wasn’t the best way to end the three shows. You do find out very odd things when you are playing to a small audience. For instance, one woman complained because her husband apparently yells out her sister’s name during sex. That same woman also holds a patent on a salad dressing. Who the hell knew that you could patent a salad dressing?
So I am doing a show tomorrow (Wednesday) for a private party with a few of my comedy buddies. I think that they are a bunch of salesmen or something. It would probably help if I knew that. Then I was asked to perform at a new club just getting started. In fact, it is their premier show. Quite an honor that I was asked to do it. With all the crappy comics in Philly, they picked me. Quite an honor indeed. More about it after the show. It could go good (lots of promotion and the first show at this club) or bad (not much promotion until they see how the show goes). It is in a bar/restaurant, so we will see. Seacrest out!
Just for the record…I HATE SNOW!
Posted in From the road |
February 24, 2005 - 12:00 am
Alright, I am finally coming down off of my Spamalot high. I can finally get back to what I normally do…think that I am almost funny.
I spent damn near every weekend of last year performing in the same few clubs every weekend, and it was great. Crowds came and went, hecklers came and went, my creativity and motivation came and went. I learned a lot and was able to try a lot as well. I will forever be indebted to those clubs for giving me opportunities that most clubs would not. But lately, I have been getting some very interesting work on the road. In fact, I became an official road comic last weekend by staying overnight in a little motel in between gigs. Allow me to begin from the beginning.
I booked two shows for the weekend that were in different parts of PA. Friday night was a show in Danville, PA. I left Philly at 5:00 hoping to get there around 7:30. Mapquest.com said that it would take about 2 hours, 17 minutes. That is, of course, without rush hour traffic on the Friday of a three day weekend. D’oh!! After doing 80 mph trying to make up for lost time I make it there just before 8:00. The show starts at 9:00, so I decide to go check into the room that was set up for me. It was a room at the Red Roof Inn. Not a bad room, but it was clean and had everything I needed. Just before I checked in, I see Alan Marx, the headliner that I will be performing with. We decide to go to the show together. Peggy Wink, another funny comedian and Alan’s girlfriend, joined us. We walk in, and there are about 30 people. By the time the show is supposed to start, there are 14. We do the show, the energy level never gets above 0, but some folks still come up to us and ask for our autographs and say that they enjoyed the show. Fine. Kinda crappy? Yes. Still getting paid and learning from each experience? Hell yeah. Moving on.
The next day, Alan, Peggy and I went Geocaching. That is where you have the latitude and longitude of some sort of treasure. It can be anything from a child’s toy to something rather valuable. Once you find it, you are supposed to leave something in its place. And you are supposed to find it using a GPS locater. It is a high tech treasure hunt. Very cool, especially while you are on the road with nothing else to do during the day. So this hunt led us to a very small cemetery with about 30 or so graves many dating back to the revolutionary war. We found the lock box, and it was full of all kind of stuff like childrens toys, playing cards, and money. The dollar bill that was in there was one that was registered on WheresGeorge.com. So Alan took that to update it on the internet, and left some kind of child’s watch that Peggy’s daughter got out of a happy meal. It was a lot of fun and a great way to waste time while on the road.
Saturdays show went much better than Fridays. It was for about 100 people in Chamberburg, PA. Very nice people and great laughers. The headliner, Keith Purnell never showed up though, even though he had confirmed with the booker two days before. From what I was told, he always shows up early, so I hope nothing bad happened to him. The middle act, John DelVecchio stretched out his act and made up for Keith not being there. The audience had a great time, and so did I. It was a great way to end a performing weekend.
Posted in From the road |
February 23, 2005 - 4:19 am
I haven’t updated this section of my website for a while and for the two other people that read this (hi mom and dad), yes, I’m still alive and kickin’. I have been doing a lot of shows lately, mostly private events all over the state of PA. This last weekend was a blast. One, because I had a great show on Saturday, a mediocre show on Friday, but mostly because of Monday. Can you say Spamalot? Yes, I had the grand honor of enjoying Monty Python’s Spamalot on Broadway. It was friggin’ unbelievable? Don’t believe me? Ask Jude Law. He was about six rows up from me. Eric Idle, the genius behind it, was there as well. Go buy tickets for the next available show, wait the two years, and go see it. It probably won’t have Tim Curry, Hank Azaria or David Hyde Pierce in it like it does now, but I am sure that it will still be unbelievable.
I will write more about my shows from this past weekend in a bit. I am still taking in everything Monty Python. RUN AWAY!!
Posted in News |
October 11, 2004 - 12:32 am
I was in a baaaad slump. For the last month and a half or so, for some reason, my shows have not been going well. Sure, some of my recent shows have been for six people in friggin’ Wagontown, PA or for 25 depressed assholes at another club, but c’mon! It is weird how I can do seven or eight awesome shows in a row, and then do seven or eight shitty shows in a row. Well, I have crawled out of my slump, finally. And who would have guessed that it would happen at the Valley Forge Beef and Ale? Yes, the very establishment that I made fun of in my last post. The sold-out crowd there was awesome and both the comics and the audience had a great time. In Vegas, the summertime is a busy time for shows and comedy clubs. In PA (and I am assuming most places other than Vegas) everyone leaves for the summer to go on vacation…to Vegas. So everyone is back home and the crowds around Philly should really start to pick up. And with big crowds come better crowds. And with better crowds, hopefully this slump won’t rear its ugly head until next summer, when I plan on going on vacation with the crowds…to Vegas.
Posted in From the road |
August 31, 2004 - 1:43 am
I just hit the pinnacle that a comic can hit. I was just booked at the Valley Forge Beef and Ale! The friggin’ Beef and Ale!! They couldn’t decide if they wanted to be a bar or a steak house. So…what the hell, we’ll just combine the two. I think that they could have come up with a better name though, you know, considering that the place is in a town called Audubon, but it is called the Valley Forge Beef and Ale. But what about a Beef Leg and Keg. Or Moo’s and Brews. Even Steers ‘n Beers. But Beef and Ale? Oy! But it’s a paying gig, so who am I to complain? Then again, a Crack Whore gets paid, and there is no way that I am doing what they do…ever again.
Posted in From the road |
August 18, 2004 - 5:21 am
Ok, I figured that I have put off writing in this silly thing for long enough. When was the last time I wrote in here? March? Holy crap. I suck at this journal thing. Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote in here. But nothing exciting. The really exciting stuff is coming up within the next few weeks. In one week I am starting a new job. Unfortunately, the $.35 a night I make doing stand up doesn’t pay all of the bills. So I am starting a new job in the heart of Philly as a computer geek writing code. Yummy.
In a week and a half, I am moving into a house. The day that the papers get signed will be exactly one year to the day that I moved out here to PA from Vegas. Weird. Not really. I also just got accepted into Temple University. I need to finish my degree to get it over and done with. Damn it.
I am realizing that this section of my website is called NEWS, but it isn’t news at all. It is more like a journal. But, NEWS fits better, so I guess that I will just leave it.
I have been doing rather well at stand up lately. I am getting a lot of people coming up to me after the show and shaking my hand telling me how much they enjoyed my set. A woman came up to me this past weekend and told me that she thought that I was just as funny as Dat Phan, last season’s winner on Last Comic Standing. Thanks, he isn’t funny. But I took it as a compliment anyway. I wish that I had something funny to say to end this little journal entry…poop.
Posted in From the road |
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